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While planning episodes of our podcast, Honoring the Journey, my co-host Karen, and I decided to do an episode called The Apology Tour. We have mentioned to one another (and our guests even mention this) that we want to do this to make up for the things we’ve said, imposed, taught or believed in our past faith tradition. We wanted to apologize to those we may have hurt by anything we said or did. But as we prepared for the episode,I was going through some of my old journals and was absolutely dumb struck at how cruel I was to myself.
So many of my entries were me apologizing to God
for not doing enough, for not doing better, for not being better. I was scared. I was sad. I was so very hard on myself for everything. I texted Karen and said, “I think our apology
tour isn’t necessarily just for others, but maybe for ourselves.”
I would never talk to myself the way I used to. It was like I thought I was an absolute
failure in every way. I would thank God for using me in spite of myself. I would thank him
for not sending me to hell, because that’s what I knew I deserved. I would pray for my
kids to be miserable, so that they would see their desperate need for Jesus. I recall
believing that if they were miserable here in this life, it was okay, because hopefully they
wouldn’t be miserable for eternity. I had so much negativity and self-loathing. I am so
thankful to be out of this way of thinking. I’m out from underneath of the weight of my
toxic theology now, and I can’t tell you how much healthier I feel mentally, emotionally
and spiritually.
I think of the time in my life when I was known as Sister Christian after my appearance
on Survivor: China in 2007 and I realize that part of me is gone. I have experienced a
death of sorts, but I’ve also experienced resurrection. I think our lives are series of both
death and resurrection as we expand, evolve and grow as humans. Sister Christian is
buried and gone, and when I was in my anger phase of grief, I would have stomped on
her grave. But now, I want to take her flowers. I want to spend time thanking her for
doing her best, for giving it all she had with the right heart motives. I want to let her
know that even though she may have been misled and may have been afraid, that
season of my life was so important. I learned a lot. I grew. I learned what it’s like to
completely surrender to something with your entire heart. And I learned that it’s totally
okay if you wake up one day and realize you could be wrong.
I like knowing that it’s okay to be wrong and that it’s okay to change your mind. Life isn’t
dogmatic. It’s beautiful, it’s glorious and it’s painful all at once. I’ve realized that I am the
architect of my own life. I get to decide, nobody else, how I will spend my life, what I will
believe and who I love. I prefer to live my life out from underneath all that fear, and in
the beautiful, open spaces of curiosity and wonder.
Excerpt from Honoring the Journey: The Deconstruction of Sister Christian
By Leslie Nease (due out late 2024/early 2025 through Quoir Publishing)
This Week on the Podcast: I want to be a voice for the invisibles. (Leslie Nease)
What do a Survivor contestant, deconstructing mama of four bigs, former Christian radio broadcaster, life and faith transitions coach, author and newly-minted podcast hostess have in common? They are all named Leslie Nease, our podcast guest this week.
Leslie is quick-witted, well-spoken and passionate about coming alongside of people in their ever-evolving spiritual journeys and making sure they feel seen, heard and absolutely not alone. She wants to make the "invisibles" (those of us who are afraid of speaking out about our deconstructing journey for whatever reason) find our voice again, the way she has found her own.
On this episode, we explore all the ways we have been shut down, silenced, or spiritually bypassed and discover why it's so important that we discover who we are and why our stories matter (and why it's good that we begin to tell them).
Leslie also gives us some really good tips about what's at the root of having a long-term, healthy relationship with your kids, especially one that has ridden all the religious and spiritual rollercoasters that come along with deconstructing toxic faith systems.
This one is a goodie, if we say so ourselves.
You can find Leslie at the following:
Instagram: @leslienease
Website: www.leslieneasecoaching.com
Podcast: Honoring the Journey
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Can't wait until Tuesday and need just a little snippet from our podcast episode that's coming up on Tuesday, April 9, with Leslie Nease.
One last thing. We want to remind you that we are so glad you are here. We wouldn't be the same without you. You will always find GRACE for where you've been and who you are now, and SPACE for who you are becoming and will be.
Carry on, our new-found friends. Welcome to the twisty-windy, full -of-adventure faith path that's laid out before us all. Love,
Lizz & Esther
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