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The Harm of Moralizing Developmentally Appropriate Behavior in Children
As a parent, I have spent many years navigating the complex journey of raising children, observing their growth, and questioning the ways in which societal and religious expectations shaped our choices.
One of the most significant lessons I've learned is that the moralizing of developmentally appropriate behavior in children can be incredibly harmful.
This became especially evident as my children moved through different stages of development—from their young years when the act of saying "no" and claiming "mine" felt like an act of rebellion, to their middle years when they began questioning authority by asking "why," and finally to their teenage years when individuation became paramount.
Each of these stages carried with it natural, healthy expressions of growth, but in a high-control religious context, these expressions were often viewed with judgment, correction, and moral overtones.
The Early Years
The emergence of words like "no" and "mine" may seem small, but they mark an essential developmental milestone. These words signal the beginning of a child’s self-awareness, asserting their independence, and starting to understand their place in the world. I remember when my oldest child first started saying "no" with a force I hadn’t expected. It was jarring and uncomfortable at times, especially in the context of a faith tradition that stressed obedience and humility.
In the high-control religious community we were part of, there was often a belief that children should be taught to obey without question, that their natural assertions of independence were signs of rebellion. The moralizing of these behaviors—suggesting that a child saying "no" was a reflection of a deep spiritual deficiency—was damaging. Instead of seeing this as a natural step in their development, it was framed as something that needed to be suppressed and corrected.
But as I grew in understanding and shed the expectations of perfectionism that the religion imposed, I began to see these moments as opportunities for guidance, not punishment. When a child says "no," it's a chance for us to guide them in understanding the value of respect and boundaries, rather than to enforce blind obedience.
Similarly, the word "mine" carried a similar weight. A child claiming ownership is a necessary part of learning about boundaries and identity. Yet, in the context of the faith we were in, it was often framed as selfishness or greed.
I can recall moments when my child, fully immersed in a toy or a book, would shout "mine!" and I’d feel a sense of guilt for not teaching them better generosity. In hindsight, I see how much this simple word, “mine,” was an expression of their budding sense of self, their body, and their world. By labeling it as wrong, we robbed them of an important lesson about how to balance selfhood and generosity.
The Middle Years
As children enter the middle years, they naturally begin to ask "why." I remember the seemingly endless stream of questions my children would ask, sometimes at the most inconvenient times: "Why do we pray?" "Why do we have to go to church?" "Why can't we do it this way?"
To a parent who had internalized the idea that answers should be authoritative and unquestionable, these questions were challenging. In a high-control religious environment, asking "why" was often viewed with suspicion, as if it was a challenge to authority or a sign of a lack of faith.
However, these questions were not acts of rebellion—they were signs of intellectual and spiritual growth. They were invitations for deeper conversations, not opportunities to silence curiosity. In this stage, children are not only learning about the world but also about themselves. Their quest for understanding is not disrespectful; it’s an essential part of their development. Rather than feeling threatened by their questions, we can see them as an opportunity to explore faith together and even ask questions of our own. Unfortunately, in the context of a high-control environment, those questions are often met with discomfort or defensiveness, and we are frequently told to "trust" and "believe" without further explanation.
But by discouraging questions, we not only stifle a child’s intellectual growth but also inhibit their spiritual development. Faith, when approached with curiosity and openness, can become a living, breathing journey rather than a set of rules to follow. My children’s questions during these years were gifts—gifts that invited us to grow together, not apart.
The Teenage Years
Finally, as teenagers, my children entered the stage of individuation—the often messy, challenging, yet deeply important process of developing their own identity. Teenagers naturally pull away from their parents in order to establish a sense of who they are in the world. It is a process marked by what feels like rebellion, but is actually exploration, and is an essential part of becoming an independent adult.
I watched my children navigate this stage with a mixture of pride and anxiety. I was proud to see them form opinions, explore new ideas, and step into the world as individuals. At the same time, I felt the pull of fear—fear that they were drifting too far from the values and beliefs I had once held dear.
In a high-control religious community, teenagers' quest for independence is often viewed with fear and judgment. The transition from dependence to independence can be framed as a moral failing, a sign of spiritual weakness, or a rebellion that must be quelled. My children’s desire to assert their own beliefs and make their own choices was seen as disobedience rather than a healthy and necessary part of growing up. The constant messaging that their growing independence was somehow sinful created deep inner conflict and self-doubt.
But as I deconstructed my own beliefs and began to embrace a more expansive understanding of spirituality, I realized that this individuation was a beautiful, necessary process. Teenagers must be allowed to explore, question, and, yes, sometimes "rebel." It is a process of learning who they are and how they relate to the world around them. By labeling their need for independence as wrong or sinful, we stifle their ability to form their own authentic identities.
How can we do it differently?
The moralizing of these stages—saying "no," claiming "mine," asking "why," and individuation—creates unnecessary guilt and shame in both parents and children. Rather than embracing these behaviors as natural and healthy expressions of growth, high-control environments often impose a rigid, one-size-fits-all approach that doesn’t allow for individuality or authenticity.
The result is a cycle of repression and self-doubt, as children (and parents) are made to feel as though something is wrong with them when they engage in behaviors that are simply a part of growing up.
As I reflect on my own parenting journey, I wish I had known earlier the importance of embracing these stages with openness and compassion. I wish I had recognized that developmentally appropriate behaviors are not something to be moralized but something to be honored. They are all a normal part of asserting independence and becoming who we are meant to be. When we stop moralizing these behaviors and instead offer understanding and support, we help our children develop a strong, healthy sense of self, free from the burden of shame.
In deconstructing the high-control religious framework, I’ve come to understand that development is not something to be feared or controlled, but something to be celebrated. Each stage of growth is a gift, and it is our role as parents to walk alongside our children with love and support as they navigate their journey toward becoming their truest selves.
(Written by Esther)
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Carry on, our new-found friends. Welcome to the twisty-windy, full -of-adventure faith path that's laid out before us all. Love,
Lizz & Esther
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