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I woke up on Saturday, March 16, 2024 to a notification on my phone—a reminder to practice self-compassion throughout the day.
Four years ago on the evening of March 16, 2020, I sat at a conference table, crying, while Tyler (who I often refer to as Mr. Jenai Auman on social media) asked our pastors why they were giving me an “informal off-ramp”.
If you follow along with me on Instagram or Threads, you’ll know I briefly mentioned how I’ve tried to redeem March 16th in years past. I’ve tried to do something to make the day less difficult and more special. But this year, I didn’t feel the need.
I have met with a couple of my former pastors a few times over the course of the last four years. I met with one as recently as last month. Yes. The same men who informally “off-ramped” me. When I met them shortly after leaving my former church back in 2020, my armor was always up. Tears were at the ready. I was meeting with them hoping they would finally hear me.
Something in me has changed since. It wasn’t abrupt. The shift was slow and gradual. Time, distance, and intention helped transform where I rooted my identity. Ultimately, my identity has been detangled from my former church—a space and a people that required me to be small and subordinate. I was healing. So, when I met with my former pastor and friend last month, there was no armor. Only authenticity. I could show up as myself. I didn’t feel the compulsion to convince him my perspective mattered. I could stand steadfast in the truth of my experience without his support.
I no longer feel the need to “redeem” the day my brothers and pastors circled the wagons against me because I no longer yearn for the places and spaces from which they excluded me. I no longer yearn for their affirmation because their affirmation often required my assimilation.
Many of us do yearn for affirmation from powerful people positioned to shepherd and disciple us. Don’t feel shame for that. Finding affirmation and kinship with others is baked into our DNA. But the wisdom we gain over time and through a life of experience guides us not only to people who will empower us. Wisdom and experience also steer us away from those who have proven they will work to disempower us.
There is usually no armor up when I meet with former friends and pastors from my previous church because I’ve learned the goodness in being able to affirm myself. In our meeting, he asked me, “What does healing look like?”
I responded for clarification, “Healing for me? Healing for you? Healing between us?”
He replied with something like, “All of the above.”
I looked at him in the eye, and I was able to say, “I don’t need you to heal.”
It may never be safe for you to ever meet with the people who have caused you harm. My hope for you is that you encounter others in your life who are willing to hold your story with you. I hope you meet people of compassionate who want to sit next to you and journey alongside you. I hope you find caring people who help you root your identity in the God of Goodness.
Healing is possible, even if you never receive the apology your heart longs for. We might never see the people who harmed us walk in repentance. It takes tremendous courage and bravery to believe that you can heal anyway.
And one day, maybe out loud or maybe just to yourself, you’ll be able to say of them, “I don’t need you to heal.”
(This blog post was written by our guest this week, Jenai Auman, and you can find it on her website HERE).
This Week on the Podcast:
I found the freedom to take up space instead of trying to conform to a mold forged in the fire of the empire. The truth is that to become comfortable in my skin and with my scars, I had to leave a place where scars had to stay hidden. In the space of the wilderness, I learned to like all that was 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 about me. And I hope you give yourself permission to like all that is 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 about you, too. Jenai Auman
Our episode this week is with Jenai Auman, a Filipina-American mom, author of the book, Othered, storyteller and artist. She lives in Houston, TX with her husband and two boys. Drawing from her years of church ministry experience, education, and trauma-related training, she writes on healing, hope and the way forward for those who have experienced spiritual abuse and religious trauma. If you feel “othered” and unwelcome in traditional Christian spaces, this podcast episode is for you.
Some of the topics we explore are these:
Marginalization within the church.
How Jenai's personal journey as a biracial individual shaped her understanding of belonging and exclusion, both within the church and in broader society.
How people who feel marginalized by the church can cultivate a sense of belonging within themselves, even when the community around them fails to provide it.
How the journey toward self-belonging impacts the way we relate to others, especially those who may still be part of the religious institutions that caused harm.
Wisdom for parents who want to guide their children through the process of finding or creating their own spiritual belonging.
How to navigate the balance between teaching our children about faith and protecting them from the potential harm that can come from toxic religious environments
Some practical ways to create a family culture that embraces belonging and inclusion.
Our favorite words from this podcast episode were things like "empire" and "safe" and "chosen" and "EMO Joanne Gaines." Find out why when you listen.
You can find Jenai at the following:
Website: jenaiauman.com
Instagram: @jenaiauman
Facebook: Jenai Auman Threads: @jenaiauman
Latest News:
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Resource Alerts:
God's people are meant to be a blessing to others. Yet in the Scriptures, throughout history, and in our own times we too often see the people of God causing harm to people on the margins. Rather than caring for the widowed and the orphaned or loving the sojourner, too often we see abuse of power that breaks spirits and inflicts lasting harm.
For anyone who has felt left out or pushed out of the church, Othered is your invitation to find spiritual rest and belonging in a God who loves, restores, and blesses the outcast and the marginalized.
Jenai Auman draws on her experience growing up as a biracial kid in the American South as well as working within toxic ministry environments to reveal a hopeful, trauma-informed way forward.
This book, Othered: Finding Belonging with the God Who Pursues the Hurt, Harmed & Marginalized, illuminates how hurt and betrayal in the church are longstanding problems that God neither sanctions nor tolerates.
It offers holistic responses to the grief, anger, and trauma that come with being ostracized or oppressed by the church. And it shows how God provides shelter and provision in the midst of the wilderness.
Because God sees, hears, and loves you—even if the church has failed you.
A new kid's Bible has made it's way onto the scene and it's fabulous! The Book of Belonging is designed for families seeking a Bible storybook that reflects the diversity of God’s people and for every reader seeking a more expansive and wondrous view of God. The thoughtful text and rich illustrations present some of Scripture’s most important and overlooked stories—including many female-centered ones—alongside old favorites reimagined to convey greater inclusivity, diversity, and historical representation.
Through narratives, mindful practices, and guided wonder moments, children and grown-ups alike will learn who God is and be reminded over and over that God tells each of us, “You are Beloved, you Belong, and you are Delightful.” Because when it comes to the love of God, everyone belongs.
Can't wait until Tuesday and need just a little snippet from our podcast episode that's coming up on October 8, with Jenai Auman.
One last thing. We want to remind you that we are so glad you are here. We wouldn't be the same without you. You will always find GRACE for where you've been and who you are now, and SPACE for who you are becoming and will be.
Carry on, our new-found friends. Welcome to the twisty-windy, full -of-adventure faith path that's laid out before us all. Love,
Lizz & Esther
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